Us men, we're seasoned warriors of sociopolitical war. We're hardened veterans against the unscrupulous manipulations and hidden agendas of all, but especially against the opposite sex. We're unbending leaders, confident fathers, and strong passionate lovers.
But still there's always that someone out there at the most random of times, in the most unlikely of events, that someone finds their way deeper into our stronghold than we would ever like to admit. They get under our skin and influence us.
We men try our best to save face, to be bold, daring, and strong despite feeling as if our Achilles Heel has been exposed to the world. We hide it away. And when that someone starts to take advantage of us, manipulate, test, scheme, it wounds us. The wound also is something we hide, sometimes well, sometimes not so well. But if we can successfully hide this wound, it sits. It rots. It festers into something unfathomably un-tamable. Some of it is hurt pride, some of it shame, that we even allowed this to happen in the first place. They scatter across many wounds like this, and we're drawn into them to best them at their game, to win, and maybe even to hurt - biting back what has bitten. We've unwittingly become the loser of this game, hurting ourselves by pursuing what is not able to be pursued any longer.
I let somebody get under my skin. We started over so many times. She had betrayed me. And I let it happen over and over.
I turned very ugly last night because my wounds became so over-exposed. I became a sight that I didn't even want to see. No one got hurt. But I think I scared her. And I scared me.
I've never been an aggressor to the opposite sex, not in any threatening-to-their-life way. I love aggressiveness in many areas of the whole ritual that men and women go through to make their selections, or entertainments. But last night's aggression came from a different level. A different, darker thing all together.
It should have been stopped two years ago by me. The wounds should have never been.
It's finally done. I wish her the best, and I think she'll do great things in her life. She's strong.
And I've forgiven her.
As for me? This is my life. I'm learning from this and moving on with head up, attitude out, and just wanting to enjoy people, and them enjoy me.
Just gotta kick last nights experience out of my realm of possible things to ever happen again.
- Mood:
Sadness - Listening to: The sound of rushing water.
- Playing: At nothing...
- Eating: Just lost what I'd previously eaten
- Drinking: Not for a long time.
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I've made my own rules in life and I don't owe anything to anyone.
André.
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Someone once told me life was like a Bed of Roses, but they sure as hell forgot to tell me about the thorns.
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On deal la mort au nom de l' amour ; On fait l'amour on donne la mort. Triste epoque !
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I've made my own rules in life and I don't owe anything to anyone.
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